


Easy Come, Easy Go

by HopeStoryteller



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bohemian Rhapsody actually, Multi, Title from a Queen Song, Ze/Zir Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), first pairing's the focus, second one's mentioned, third one is thoroughly background if anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 21:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21025214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeStoryteller/pseuds/HopeStoryteller
Summary: An angel and a demon are lurking, attempting to spy on another angel and another demon and altogether doing a fairly bad job at it.





	Easy Come, Easy Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hover over the numbers in brackets [69] for "footnotes". They'll also be conveniently included in the end notes for mobile users.

Outside a house that advertises itself via glaring neon sign to be completely and terrifyingly haunted ,[1] an angel and a demon lurk, crouched behind a bush and occasionally exchanging whispered insults.

“Angels don’t  _ lurk, _ ” says the angel, who happens to be an archangel.[2] This one has taken the form of a middle-aged man with purple eyes.

“Then what do you call thizz?” The demon counters. Flies buzz around zir head, just as agitated as ze is.[3] “I zzay we just go inzzide already.”

The angel audibly sighs, and picks up one of the ends of his scarf, fiddling with it absentmindedly.[4]

“Common sense,” he says at last, “which you seem to lack if you want to go  _ in there _ .”

The demon freezes, as do zir flies. The flies start moving again quickly, and buzzing again, although significantly more muted. The demon, on the other hand, slowly turns zir head to look at the angel.

“Are you  _ zzcared _ of a  _ haunted houzze _ , Gabriel?”

“Scared? Of course not, there’s nothing in there  _ to _ be scared of. Why would I—no. Absolutely not. It would just be more prudent for us to wait for them outside, rather than going in after them and risking losing them.”

“Or,” the demon is smirking now, “you’re zzcared.”

“I am certainly  _ not _ , there is literally no—give me one reason, Beelzebub.  _ One _ good reason why you think, for some odd reason, that  _ I, _ the  _ Archangel Gabriel, _ would be  _ scared _ of a—”

Beelzebub shuts him up by holding up a hand in a black fingerless glove, or more accurately a finger on said hand. And even more accurately, ze does less of just holding it up and more of shutting Gabriel up via shoving said finger into his face.

“You’re zztrangling your zzcarf, for zztarters.”

Gabriel quickly drops it, and pretends that he hadn’t begun to grip the particular item of clothing hard enough that his knuckles were beginning to turn white.

“Um,” Gabriel says intelligently.[5] “We’ll miss them if we go in?”

“And, we’ll mizz what they’re doing  _ in _ there.” Ze pulls a device out of their hoodie pocket and starts tapping away on it.

Gabriel opens his mouth—

“Dagon,” Beelzebub says as an answer, which isn’t a very good one.

Gabriel shuts his mouth anyway, and waits. Beelzebub slips the phone back into zir pocket, and brushing zirself off, ze stands up to zir full height.[6]

“Zhe’ll be here in a few minutezz. Let’zz go.”

“Right.”

It doesn’t quite sink in until Gabriel is standing as well, at which point he looks at Beelzebub funnily and goes,  _ “Dagon?” _

Beelzebub gives him a look back and says, “Fine, call zzomeone from your zzide. But hurry up or I’m going in without you.”

Reluctantly, Gabriel starts to tap out a message to Michael explaining the situation. As he does, he looks back at Beelzebub and says, “Why do you  _ want _ to go in there?”

“Why don’t you?”

* * *

Gabriel doesn’t answer for a while. Beelzebub seems to accept this, as much as a demon can accept anything, although ze doesn’t answer his question either.[7]

“You want to get zzomething done,” Beelzebub says as they walk in, now both donning bright orange stickers identifying them as paying customers, “you do it yourzzelf.”

“Fair enough,” Gabriel says uneasily. “But  _ why _ would they go in  _ here? _ ”

“Heaven if I know. I juzzt don’t want to zzpend  _ tonight _ on Earth and  _ not _ do anything fun.”

“Of… course.”[8]

Gabriel pauses, briefly, looks around. “This,” he says, “looks like a perfectly normal house. Just… very dark.”

“Maybe for the twentieth century. When wazz the last time you were on Earth?”

“Armageddon!”

“...before that.”

“A few days before Armageddon.”

“Before  _ that. _ ”

“Eleven years before Armageddon.”

“And before that?”

Gabriel’s notable lack of an answer is all the answer Beelzebub needs. He quickly clears his throat and looks around for something to change the subject.

“What  _ isn’t _ normal about this… ‘haunted house’?”

Beelzebub shrugs. “Zzupposed to zzcare you. Not you zzpecifically, you’re not that important and you zzhould know it. But it’zz—”

It’s then, naturally, that the house catches on fire. Or more specifically, the  _ effect _ of the house catching on fire is put into place. It’s only the first room of the haunted house, and yet Gabriel… overreacts. Just a little.[9]

Now Beelzebub is screaming too, but more because ze’s now on the floor and it’s more  _ confusion _ than anything else, really, and also something along the lines of  _ get off me! _

Gabriel obliges, once the fire effects disappear as quickly and without warning as they’d come.

“I think,” he says, trying to regain his composure ,[10] “you can go on ahead. I’ll go find Michael and… your…”

“Dagon,” Beelzebub supplies, “and no. You’re not zzeriouzzly afraid of a little fire, are you?”

Gabriel doesn’t answer, doesn’t even attempt to. In the end, he does make it through the entire haunted house, but only—and much to Beelzebub’s annoyance—by gripping  _ something _ tightly the entire time. Which is fine when the something is his scarf, and not Beelzebub’s arm.

Ze pretends to be unfazed the whole time. And is.[11] And if, at some point, someone winds up slipping a hand in someone else’s and the other doesn’t pull away, for one thing that absolutely didn’t happen, and therefore neither of them hurriedly pulls away in the last room of the haunted house, before heading out to find that both Dagon and Michael had been and gone, as had the traitors.

Neither of them meets the other’s eyes as they bid their curt goodbyes, and return. One to Heaven, and one to Hell.

If, a short time later,[12] through a bizarre sequence of coincidences Gabriel finds himself trapped in a burning building and panics, Beelzebub is certainly not on the scene. Ze absolutely does not firstly make sure that it’s not hellfire, and secondly all but drag him out before he can discorporate.

And if, a short time after that, when through an equally bizarre sequence of coincidences Beelzebub nearly drowns, Gabriel is certainly not there, certainly does not do the same and certainly doesn’t, when asked afterwards, blink tiredly and say he didn’t even consider turning the water into holy water.

Absolutely not.

And for the record, Michael and Dagon aren’t fucking either. And if they were, Beelzebub certainly wouldn't look the other way because ze almost understands. 

**Author's Note:**

> [1] The full text of the sign reads ‘The Little House of Horrors - Completely and Terrifyingly Haunted!’ Somehow, the proprietors have avoided being sued thus far.
> 
> [2] The archangel is also wrong—angels and demons do come from the same original stock, and therefore angels are just as capable of lurking as their demonic counterparts. 
> 
> [3] Ze is, of course, the Lord of the Flies zirself. Would you expect anything less?
> 
> [4] Both did at least make an attempt at disguises. Gabriel is wearing a light grey sweater-sweatpants set, new-looking running shoes, and the aforementioned scarf. Beelzebub, conversely, has donned a dark grey hoodie, black jeans, what might once have been called boots, and a set of fingerless gloves that serve no actual purpose beyond adding to zir aesthetic.
> 
> Neither of them would remain unrecognized for more than a few seconds by, say, a particular other angel/demon pair that is in much worse standing with their respective and former head offices, although Beelzebub might be able to last a little longer than Gabriel.
> 
> [5] As intelligently as he can, which considering that this is someone who loudly proclaimed his intentions to purchase pornography without having any idea what he was asking, is not altogether very intelligently. Although he has gained some sense since the events of the Armageddidn’t. He still doesn't know what porn is.
> 
> [6] Which isn’t particularly tall, but mentioning this is a good way to get kicked in the shins at best and damned to the deepest, darkest, dankest pits of hell at worst.
> 
> [7] Beelzebub’s since snapped zir fingers, and the flies have given way to a hat that appears to be a very large fly. Gabriel isn’t convinced that isn’t where zir flies are at the moment, but he isn’t unconvinced enough or convinced enough to ask about it.
> 
> [8] Gabriel would like nothing more than to return to Heaven right now, thank you very much. He doesn’t particularly like Earth at the best of times, and there’s been a strange occult energy in the air keeping him on edge all night. Unfortunately, he does have a job to do, and Beelzebub does unfortunately have a point: the best way to ensure something is done correctly is to do it yourself.
> 
> [9] By overreacting, I of course mean he lets out a decidedly un-angelic scream and nearly jumps into the nearest person’s arms. And by nearly, I of course mean that the nearest person, a considerably shorter and more irritated demon who was not remotely prepared for this turn of events, suddenly finds zirself on the ground with a terrified archangel holding onto zir for dear life.
> 
> [10] And failing miserably.
> 
> [11] Except when there’s water on the floor. Ze mutters something about tripping hazards, but even Gabriel isn’t quite that thick. 
> 
> [12] In the grand scheme of things. For beings nonhuman, celestial and occult alike, a short time could be months or even years. In this case, however, it’s merely months.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Ah yes, it's a great idea to attempt to do the weekly prompt close to midnight on the literal last day. Anyway this is for the weekly prompt for Ineffable Outliers, it's a neat Discord server focusing on Good Omens with all sorts of neat stuff on there, and in retrospect I should have started this _much_ sooner than I did. Whoops. Eh, it's the most writing I've done all week and it's done in time, barely, and I'm so tired ugh time to go sleep.


End file.
